For the record, in my actual life, I am male. I do not have a homosexual disposition. Nor transgender urges. At least not conscious ones. And, yet, inspite of my actual gender, or perhaps because of it, I do not feel at all inclined to repeat or re-perform it virtually.

Why then do I take what many, understandably, will see as the scandalous decision to play a female and "disguise" my actual gender? It is not my intention, ever, to lure anybody into a relationship and to spring a trap after the heart had already been smitten. Nor is it about the sex. At the same time, I am acutely conscious of the male entitlement (albeit a non-white male entitlement) that I am prey to, and how this places an additional burden and responsibility upon me, and makes me more liable to the charge of exploiting my structural position. I do try to take adequate measures to ensure that any such assertions of my structural advantage are limited. But I am not sure I entirely succeeded. Again, this is not for me to judge.

You will want to know, I expect, why then, what the positive reasons are for performing a female subject and disguising my actual gender in the first place. This is a lengthy subject, so I will keep it short. Essentially, by playing a female role I find that I am more readily capable of expressing a deeper emotional, intimate, creative and soulful inner dimension to my character. I am sure there is also a deeper erotic and sexual dimension to this, and this is not unconnected to the intimacy I am able to achieve and for which I crave by embodying a female avatar. This all sounds like it’s about me, and doesn’t account for the other, their desires, their needs, their integrity. It would be disingenuous of me to suggest that it was all entirely selfless. But I’d like to think that it is neither about me, nor the other, but the Two-in-One that emerges from the joint interaction of two individuals. It isn’t the pursuit of happiness, or pleasure, or even love and affection that drives me in these virtual universes. It is joy. And for me joy is that whole of creativity, strength and unfathomable possibility that is greater than the sum of the individuals that come together.

A nomadic attachment to an amorphous assemblage drawing ever near to three remarkable years, hundreds of exhilarating encounters with magnificent souls, dozens of sensational adventures, a series of fabulous foibles ... chastised, humbled, confounded --- how on earth does one even begin to fill this empty space that is anything but empty, teeming with possibilities and yet unwavering in its obstinacy?

In this alternative life, I have embodied the life of a yearning, itinerant nomad; I have cultivated the personality and demeanour of a desiring, loving, at times insufferable but perennially searching soul; I found myself overtaken by a Cosmic Force that was less about a biological or cultural construction than it was the expression of an autochthonous energy. And I have undertaken this journey, a journey that often wound its sinuous way deep into my own soul, in collaboration and in the company of other marvellous women. I remain less interested in molar, socially constructed forms of sexuality and desire. What I am extremely keen to explore -- with other kindred spirits, given the opportunity -- are molecuralised, infra-personal desiring energies, processes I should like to think constitute the very fabric of our cosmos.

I suggested above that I am where I am today, only because of some of the wonderful spirits with whose lives my own intersected, intertwined and interconnected. I feel undeservingly (and under-servingly, I hasten to add!) privileged to have tarried with them for a while -- guided by their wisdom, softened by their sensitivity, instructed by their charm, exhilarated by their sensuality and, above all, humbled by their compassion.

Their names are my heart's litany. Their wellbeing and safety, my soul's prayer. Their tranquillity and joy, my ardent desire. Ladykill – with you I discovered the joy of a subterranean desire and rhapsodic companionship. Wildflower – at your feet, I learned the arts of selflessness and the spark of the divine. My Dark Damsel – only you and I will know of the boundaries of passion, love and lust we experienced. Gemstone – your sincere care was only matched by your courage to speak the truth. Taz – seven little numbers, and that was just the start. Theo – the erotic magic you braided with your words still makes me shiver in delight. Anna – amidst the delirious mischief and fun, I received such wisdom I shall never forget. And Corinne – to you I owe all the intrigue, the enigma, the adventure without which this virtual wilderness would be just that, a dry and desolate wilderness. I know not whether I will meet any of you again. I never really got to say goodbye. I know I wronged each of you in one way or another. Thank you for all that you gave and for all that you forgave.

So, as I take pity on my readers and close, I wonder why on earth I joined RLC in the first place, and why I have decided to resuscitate my profile page after months of absence. Well, as I was fond of saying in response to one of my favourite questions – why did you join RLC? The reasons I joined were not the same as the reasons I decided to remain; the reasons I fell down the rabbit-hole were not the ones that made me take flight; and the reason I just might return from exile couldn’t be further from the original reason I stumbled into this unfathomable and fascinating world all those “dog” years back! It was naivety and desperation that first brought me here. It was adventure and discovery that prolonged my stay. The inexplicable intensity of relationships set my senses ablaze. Fortune and mercy – or was it cowardice? – made me stay away. And what desires draw me back – of this, for now at least, I cannot say.

Humility through the pursuit of knowledge, awe before the majesty of discovery, wisdom following the toil of apprenticeship -- that is what I seek through my obsessive and voracious interest in scholarly works. There is hardly a moment of the day when I do not have several books within immediate reach. If you find yourself in the streets of Londinivm and you spot a crazy person who is oblivious to the dangers of the urban jungle with book in hand, head in book, treat yourself to a knowing smile across those sumptuous lips.

Philosophy, especially of the frustratingly obscure continental variety, gives me the most satisfaction and pleasure, some of it undoubtedly masochistic. But I am also keen to explore and speculate on a range of other areas, including mathematics, mysticism, psychoanalysis and the delights and mysteries of language.

If you do happen to encounter me while I am on one of my nomadic meanders in this virtual labyrinth, you will bring me no greater joy than accepting or inviting me to sincere, caring and edifying conversation. And you will do me no greater honour than enlightening me about so much I do not know, especially the inexhaustible secrets that are to be found within each of our souls.

Oh, on that note, I better admit to taking an unhealthy delight at watching the beautifully designed and uncannily believable avatars as they flirt and so coquettishly gesture and oh-so-deliciously dance their way into the unguarded minds of their voyeuristic would-be puppeteers. Actually, I am very serious: I seriously do believe that these virtual worlds do have the potential to enable us to test and expand the boundaries of embodied consciousness. If we put our minds to it -- literally! -- we really can collaborate in experiencing alternative structures of minded body through a vicarious form of experimentation. Moreover, with an erotically charged language and desiring discourse taking centre stage in most-- emphasis on the most! -- encounters here, the stage is set for a truly exhilarating, Self-disrupting, transformative experience.

OK, I accept the kind of creative collaboration I am waxing lyrical about might sound hopelessly romantic and abstract. But it isn't as unachievable as we might originally imagine. We only need to be a little more imaginative and look for inspiration at the kind of collaborative improvised Jazz that Miles Davis and John Coltrane so masterfully produced:


At least this is what I believe, or aspire to, and have been extremely fortunate to have tasted some of what I am evangelising. I don't know -- and this makes me very sad -- whether I will be able to replicate such experiences again. But I keep an open mind.